PORCH

That smile is almost as beautiful as the cheese.

The Porch was a welcome surprise. I spent a great deal of my youth at Eat N Park - just enough time to know that I have literally no interest in consuming another super burger, hot turkey sandwich or breakfast smile. Eat N Park owns The Porch and Six Penn. The food is quite different, but something about Porch still has that industrial cafeteria vibe. I think it is probably the lack of towels in the super sterile and bright bathroom or the large booths. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know a bastard stylized Eat N Park when I see one. The real selling point is the beautiful outdoor area. One warning though, don't frolic on the quad. We were asked to simmer down on the frisbee.

I tried the cheese plate, the seafood salad and the salumi, but the real winner was the pizza. A nice thin crispy crust with an appropriate sauce to cheese ratio. There were some grumbles that the pizza could use more seasoning, but I rather enjoyed my piggy pie (house cured meats and mozzarella.) The pizza was far superior to standard chain restaurants like Sbarro or Pizza Hut and you can get a pie for half price after 9 p.m. I would not make a special trip to Porch for their pizza, but I would go for their reasonably priced happy hour and scenic outdoor seating. Also, if I was there for those things I would probably jam some pizza in my face-hole. Overall I think the options at Porch are somewhat akin to the offerings at Piccolo-Forno in Lawrenceville and Piccolo-Forno is the winner in terms of quality - no contest.

Church Brew Works

Church Brew Cheese Steak

I'm starting to like beer. I used to think of it as this beverage I would consume in order to not get tragically drunk in between bouts of whiskey, wine and shots. Kind of like an alcoholic chaser. My goal at Church Brew was to try every beer they had on tap, goal accomplished. I liked most of the beers, in particular I enjoyed the millennium trippel and the blast furnace stout. However, I did not care for the extremely popular ambrosia ale. It tasted like a disgusting fruit-laden wine cooler. I like a beer with heavy flavor and body - not something that tastes like fairy pee. BE WARNED, if you decide to drink all of the beers at Church Brew you will get a nasty hangover. I'd recommend sticking with two or three.

Honestly, I was very excited for the food at Church Brew. I've been here before and I've always liked everything I've tried. I did not care for my cheesesteak, pictured above. The beef was mostly flavorless and covered in a runny cheese sauce. I should have been weary when the menu claimed that it was, "kobe beef." We do not get kobe beef in the United States. When a restaurant offers you real kobe beef, demand a certificate of authenticity. All Japanese kobe beef is very expensive and it is always served with a certificate. Because kobe beef is Japanese, and not traditionally sold outside of Japan, there is no authority to regulate what is sold as kobe beef in the United States. One does not put kobe beef in an eleven dollar cheesesteak, and more importantly, kobe beef should not come slathered in liquid cheese. I also tried the chicken wings and I have to give them the official Pittsburgh HappyHour two beers down. Not enough crisp and a buttery sauce. If I go back I'll try the pizza which is highly regarded. Unfortunately, the oven was inoperable during our visit. I still highly recommend going to Church Brew for the iconic setting and wonderful outdoor seating.

Double Wide Grill

JERK CHICKEN TO THE DOME

The Double Wide is a staple of the historic South Side of Pittsburgh. The menu is gigantic, the outdoor seating is epic and the food is pretty good. Notice that I just said, "pretty good" in regards to the food. BBQ in Pittsburgh really isn't that delicious or original. Double Wide's ribs have just the right texture, their chicken is good and their pork is fine, but the BBQ overall is just so-so. I actually find their brisket a bit on the dry side and their sauces rather watery and gross.

If I'm going to eat at the Double Wide, I typically go for brunch or I stick to the basics like chicken wings or their delicious chicken-wing style fried seitan. (If you've never heard of seitan it is a protein made from wheat gluten with a similar consistency to tofu.) I think their BBQ is sub-par and I've even considered opening a BBQ restaurant on the South Side to exploit this weakness in order to line my coffers with cash money and smoked meats.

Double Wide has some really fantastic vegetarian options - probably more selection than most restaurants in town. However, this is exactly what I DO NOT want from a BBQ restaurant, a myriad of vegetarian selections. If your vegan girlfriend Matilda is coming into town, take her to Double Wide. If fat cousin Jimmy is stopping in from Texas he is going to be pissed off you've taken him to some fancy-hipster BBQ restaurant.

Side notes: This place is owned by the same people as the Beehive and the Rowdy Buck. You can play baggo for free on the patio (bonus points.) Drinks are expensive and I've had awesome servers, like Victoria last week, as well as some lousy servers. There are lots of regular food specials but drinks are always a bit on the pricey side as far as South Side living goes.

Eleven - Stript District

Oysters with vinaigrette and habanaro sauce.

Whenever I score big at a family poker game I tell my uncles, "this week I'm having oysters for lunch."  If you want oysters in Pittsburgh I only have two strong recommendations. You can either go to the oyster cart outside of Wholey's or you can walk a few more blocks, put on a nice shirt and head to Eleven. Don't forget the nice shirt, you may feel a bit out of place. Eleven is a fancy establishment, I don't think they were pleased when we decided to sing happy birthday to our friend Robin Bolea at the top of our lungs during happy hour.

In addition to being well mannered and well dressed you should bring some scratch, Eleven is not cheap. Dinner with a glass of wine can easily run $50, but it is worth it. Every dish I've ever had at Eleven has been unique and well prepared. In particular I recommend the tuna tartare and the oysters, always fresh and well paired with interesting flavors. I'm not really a dessert man, but Eleven also does a fantastic job with their bread and pastries. Like I said though, bring some scratch.

This chocolate cake makes being overweight acceptable.

BRGR - East End

NICKMAN YOU SO CRAY CRAY

I think it is impossible to say that one restaurant in Pittsburgh has the best burger. The ideal hamburger is a result of what meat is available the day of your visit, who is working in the kitchen, the freshness and quality of other ingredients and a myriad of other factors. I've had amazing and mediocre hamburgers from the exact same establishments at certain times. I don't think it is fair to say that any one restaurant has the best burger - we can merely attempt to appreciate and qualify the aspects of each individual burger experience. As a side note, I recommend checking out Pitts Burgers, "home of the continuing quest for the greatest burger in the Burgh." http://www.pitts-burgers.com/

Shrooms burger.

The burgers at BRGR are good, damn good. The meat was well seasoned, fresh and cooked to specification. My one complaint is that I didn't particularly appreciate any of the menu selections. I had a hard time selecting a hamburger as the burger options all seemed a bit contrived - I'm not really sure I want pastrami or short rib on my hamburger. I went with the shrooms burger, it was very good but it could have used more shrooms. For my money I would rather venture to Burgatory or Winghart's where I found the menu selections to be more to my liking.

BRGR was actually much better than I had imagined though, the alcoholic milkshakes were fantastic. What could be better than a delicious milkshake that gets you drunk? The happy hour is pretty decent, they offer a variety of discounted drinks but you will need to sit at the bar for some of them. Finally, the staff was fantastic. Very accommodating, friendly and sexy. My kind of people. Pro-tip, if you are going in a large party they will not give you separate checks. No need to bring your own calculator though, they offered to let us use theirs.

Bella Notte

I tried to get them to do something scandalous for the picture but they refused, Margarita Pizza.

I have a love affair with pizza. I think if I managed to cut two simple foods from my diet, pizza and chicken wings, I could lose twenty pounds. I have to be very frank with you in that I find pizza dreadfully difficult to review. Pizza is like sex, even when it is bad it is still pretty good and you can brag about it to your friends.

Moreover, I find that people disagree with my pizza tastes. (This may also be an analogy for my taste in women, you decide.) My favorite pies in town come from Mineo's in Squirrel Hill and Police Station Pizza in Ambridge. I've found a commonality among the pizzas I hold most dear, they tend to use provolone or a blend of cheeses. A cheese blend adds a nice saltiness that I find lacking when there is no meat on the pie.

Portobello Pizza.

Bella Notte pizza was good. Crisp crust with toppings that do not fall off, good topping portions and a nice sauce. My only complaint is that I found the cheese a bit bland. I think a nice cheese blend can go a long way in terms of making the perfect pizza. (Side note, I found out two weeks ago that my old homestead pizza establishment in State College, Canyon Pizza, actually uses some cheddar cheese in their cheese blend, how wonderful - I would have never guessed!)

I do not think Bella Notte is the best pizza in the city as many contend, but the pizza is extremely delicious and the happy hour was even better. Bella Notte offers two dollar domestic bottles and three dollar you-call-it shots! That is some of the best happy houring in Pittsburgh, I'll be eating their pizza again for this reason alone.

As for the perfect pizza, I find the idea as elusive as the concept of perfect sex. I guess I just haven't met the right pizzeria yet.

Rugger's Pub

Rugger's has the charm and wood paneling of a British pub with the dirty-smokey underbelly of a true Pittsburgh dive bar. I originally started going to Rugger's about three years ago to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers as the bar usually isn't that crowded, drinks are cheap, the staff is great and the food is pretty delicious.

Open seats at the bar are no longer a guarantee. If you happen to find yourself in Rugger's after a local rugby game, during a televised rugby game, on a Friday for 80's night or during happy hour you may be in for a surprise. This tiny bar can get very crowded due to the fantastic specials. For example, the eighty cent drafts and two dollar Batmans on Friday. (PS: If you don't know what a Batman is you aren't blacking out correctly.) Batman Recipe

The food at Rugger's is standard American bar fare: burgers, fried foods and sandwiches. Over the years I've tried nearly everything on the menu but the melting pot chicken wings are my absolute favorite. The melting pot sauce is a combination of all wing sauces offered by Rugger's. I have to admit that it does seem to be a little different every time, but I love it so much. The wings are always crispy and the sauce is the perfect balance of savory and spicey. I would almost compare it to pazzos sauce at the Dark Horse in State College. (My favorite wing sauce.) But the melting pot sauce doesn't have as much garlic. I prefer Rugger's wings to those of Fat Heads, Mario's and the Double Wide, which are generally considered some of the best in the Southside.  Also, the bar gets mad bonus points for featuring the beautiful and sassy Larko twins.

What are your favorite wings in Pittsburgh? I think Wings, Suds and Spuds in Moon gets too much attention.