Somewhere along the way, the dream died. Rather than look forward to stadium food I became nervous about what I should eat before going to any type of event so I could avoid paying $16 for cardboard nachos and a smelly cheeseburger. I think this phenomenon was best described by Graham Linehan who said, "Every time you have McDonalds as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it's a defeat."
I might have liked these stadium tacos as a child. As an adult, they tasted as bland as a discount frozen burrito and extremely rubbery. Somehow, even the normally pungent cilantro was totally lacking in flavor. I'm pretty sure the chicken was the kind that comes in a liquid solution so that it can simply be slopped into a lousy tortilla shell on game day.
My point isn't that all offerings at Heinz Field are terrible, it is just that they are all worse than their real world counterparts. The Quaker Steak and Lube wings we tried had clearly been sitting out all night. They were worse than the wings you'd get from a normal Quaker Steak and Lube. The terrible cheeseburgers were worse than the terrible cheeseburgers at a fast food restaurant and more expensive. Cheap domestic beer costs upwards of $8. Etc, etc, etc.
Please let me know: is there any food at Heinz Field you actually like? Is there any food available at the stadium that you'd go out of your way to get somewhere else that is just as good at the stadium? I NEED TO KNOW, for science.